"I still keep my hope and stuff. I know I can beat this. Just gotta have a lot of faith." More on that quote a little later.
Earlier today, Colleen made a request for a blog entry. This actually marked the first time she has ever asked me to write about any specific topic. She didn't want this particular post to be about doctors or treatments or any of the more technical aspects of her disease that I have been typing about in my most recent posts. To be exact, she asked me one simple question to write about: "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
Obviously, I don't have an answer to that question. Nobody really does. I don't pretend to be a religious person, or someone who looks to the heavens for guidance when it comes to Colleen - I can't find answers in that spectrum, and there is obviously no test that can be run that shows us who is good and who isn't, and why bad things happen all the time to good people (and good things happen to bad people).
The first person that came to mind when she asked that question was Casey Anthony, the Florida mom who killed her daughter, found enough sleazy lawyers to defend her, and found a way to be found Not Guilty. A bad person who, as long as she keeps her nose clean, will forever be able to walk this earth without any fear of being prosecuted again for killing her own kid. Isn't this the type of person who should be struck with something that will keep her bedridden? I wouldn't typically wish that fate on anyone - but if there is going to be disease in this world, may as well give it to the people who, quite frankly, aren't very good people.
It also brought a few other thoughts to my head. Colleen's cousin and his wife dealt with a tragic death in 2007, when their 10-year old daughter died of cancer. The brave little girl did nothing to deserve such a fate obviously, her parents didn't do anything to deserve such torture, etc. The inspiration of her story is actually found in a series of online videos she did while she was fighting for her life (Here is one such segment of Tara's video diary - searching for her on YouTube may find more). A kid with that much hope and faith that things will get better is inspiring - her videos are touching, hopeful, sad - a bunch of emotions all mixed in one big giant ball, and in the end, you realize her legacy is that of someone who can give hope to any of thousands of children who deal with similar conditions every single day. I think Colleen would love to be one of those people some day - someone who can look someone square in the eye, tell them about how she fought through a most horrible ordeal, and came out of it feeling healthy, strong, and doing everything she has ever dreamed of doing.
There are more examples of bad things happening to good people. Colleen's dad died many years ago (years before I even met Colleen) unexpectedly. My family lost my father in 2013, a year or so after being diagnosed with lung cancer. We lost a cousin, not much younger than I, not long after that unexpectedly. I have a friend who deals with an illness that I believe is still unexplained, and she has a friend who is fighting cancer as well. Another person I know had symptoms pop up that lead to the eventual diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. All of these people are good people - didn't deserve their fate, just like Colleen doesn't deserve hers - just like many people out there who are dealing with these crippling diseases do not deserve them.
But why does it happen? Why can't we be picky and choosy? If 5% of the population is destined to have Disease X, can we not just give it to the child killers, the serial killers, the animal abusers, etc? Why do people who have so much to give and so much to live for have to end up often in bed, feeling so much pain and despair, with very little they can do to fix themselves?
Unfortunately, there is no answer to that. "Everything happens for a reason" sometimes rings hollow, as there isn't always a reason for everything we go through in life - extreme illness definitely qualifies as something that doesn't happen with a higher purpose in mind. If it did, we would all be hoping for it so that we can all find our higher purpose in life. Think about when you get the flu. Think about someone you may know who at one time was extremely sick and feeling hopeless, only to one day come out of it feeling healthy again. Are they ever thankful for being sick, or are they thankful that they are once again healthy? I would venture to guess the latter.
Sometimes, you may have to think like Tara - her final outcome wasn't what she or anyone hoped for - but the message is still loud and clear. You need to have hope and faith that some day, everything will be better again. It is not easy to reach deep down and find that when you are feeling sick, when you are having your worst days. It is easy for a healthy person, such as myself, to say be hopeful, have faith, keep your chin held high. But all of that has to come from within - the strength of a Tara to look cancer in the eye and say "Not me" is an inspiration. Getting to that point in your journey is not easy, and may always seem impossible. Colleen has had many moments in her horrible journey where she had those feelings - the feelings of being hopeful and crossing her fingers, only to run into another brick wall, or another person who makes claims they cannot really back up, or doctors who simply are completely clueless and uncaring. Her strength, which she doesn't always think she has, inspires me - if she, as someone who is horribly sick and often bedridden can do THAT, then I can certainly do THIS. Her constant efforts to get better are heartbreaking to watch when the ultimate outcome just doesn't come for her. She deserves better, and everyone reading this deserves better. It isn't fair, in any way, shape, or form - and it is my opinion that if you are sick, or have dealt with a sudden death in your family, etc. that it is perfectly acceptable to say "THIS ISN'T FAIR" without someone retorting with the dumb "Life isn't fair" crap. There are scenarios where "Life isn't fair" obviously rings true - being chronically ill and not knowing when you are going to be able to eat again is not one of those times.
The person Colleen is has never changed. If you are a chronically ill person reading this, always try to remember that: The essence of the person you are has never changed - if you woke up tomorrow feeling healthy and strong, you would probably run out the front door, naked and screaming to the world that you are healthy again (Colleen once commented that she would have a giant party as soon as she is healthy again. OK, she may have said "IF she is healthy again" - I, as her husband, resist using the "I" word)
So why do bad things happen to good people, while bad people are able to roam the earth free and easy without even the slightest bit of indigestion? The answer is not as clear as the day, nor is it like a math equation that can be solved in a few steps. The illness is not punishing you for a past injustice, nor does it make you a different person inside than you were before. They are two separate entities - the good person you are and the bad illness you have been given. They intertwine in how you feel daily, no doubt about it. But you aren't bad just because you are sick - and Person X isn't good just because they are healthy. Unfortunately for all of us, sickness has random elements to it - which is why people who are active, eat healthy, etc. can still find themselves in a hospital bed, while someone who can't get through a day without eating two doughnuts and smoking a pack of cigarettes lives to 90 without any medical conditions. In many ways, like the illness you are suffering from, it is a great mystery without any detective capable of solving it.
As for the quote in the beginning of this entry, as you may have guessed - it comes from Tara. In the end, knowing you can beat it and having the faith you can is very powerful. It may not always be enough when it comes to our bodies, but having the hope and the faith and the ability to stay strong is what ultimately will carry you to the finish line, no matter what ails you today, tomorrow, or next week. Don't let anyone bring you down or make you feel smaller than you already feel - you are worth the air that you breathe, and one day the sun will hopefully shine brightly once again on you.
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