People who know me know how big of a fan of Alanis Morissette I am. A few years ago, a new artist captured my attention - a girl by the name of Christina Perri, who has a bit of an Alanis vibe to her, while not being a sound alike (I flatly reject listening to Alanis sound-alikes!)
As usual, the above paragraph has nothing to do with Colleen's illness - but Christina's latest song ("Human") has some lyrics attached to it that can relate to many things in life; perhaps even dealing with a serious illness. The complete message of the song is that we are all only human - we all have our limitations, our fears, our insecurities, our likes and our dislikes. We all fall apart at times, we all make our mistakes, we are all vulnerable and breakable....but the real message (in my opinion) in the end is this: Be yourself, and don't worry about what society or anyone else thinks about you. (The video related to the song drives that point home perfectly: Perri is, shall we say, a big fan of body art - and the first half of the video is shot with her body art completely airbrushed out while sitting on a pedestal, portraying the "perfect woman" everyone wants her to be....only to have the tattoos reappear at the end of the video; in a way to say "Screw you - I am who I am, and just accept it". (Perhaps without being that blunt about it)
When someone is dealing with a chronic illness, these same types of fears can come into play; sometimes, you may try to hide your illness so that nobody worries about you; sometimes, you may feel isolated. You may feel as if the entire world is going as fast as an Amtrak train, and you can't jump aboard. That no matter what you do, what you say, nothing changes. That you try to be as strong as possible, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
The bottom line is that you are only human - there is only so much you can do, and there is nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to apologize for. You didn't ask to be sick - you didn't wake up one day, begging for someone to take away the life you once had in order to feel helpless, worn out, and completely tired of life as a whole. You can't always expect everyone else to understand, since they aren't living the nightmare - but the nightmare is real, only it is one you cannot wake up from.
This isn't to say all hope is lost - people who are sick do get better - when it comes to conditions like the one Colleen has (whatever it may be), sometimes people get better overnight without doing much of anything to get to that point. It is a tricky situation when you are sick, nobody really knows why, and you have doctors who just cannot help.
You may feel down when you have to throw up when you haven't even eaten any food. You may feel terrified when you wake up in pain, can't really describe it, and have no relief for it other than try to go back to sleep. You may feel isolated when you are alone, while everyone else is having a good time. You may feel as if your world is crashing down around you - as if a thundercloud is hanging right over your head, while the rest of the neighborhood is in bright sunshine. You may look at social media, seeing how great your friends and family are doing, and while feeling good for them, also feel bad that you can't feel the same way.
All of this is natural. If you weren't sad, weren't upset, weren't occasionally angry, and didn't ever ask yourself "Why?", I would consider you to be in the minority.
Because, in the end, you are only human.
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